This post will perhaps not stay online for a long time. I am too chicken to let it stay. Right now am all amazon-princess about it, but I know, I would succumb to “what-if’s” a little too soon.

I hate choices. It is official.

I have said it before, am saying it again. I am not that bright to make a choice with a clear head. I analyze, re-analyze, re-re-analyze and make a pick, only to regret not having picked right, in record time. I have a serious “suffer-from-choices” syndrome. I have tried to get out of this syndrome in the past, only to realize the whole ordeal was a humongous waste of my time…and more importantly other people’s time!

What I don’t get is, why am I always given two incredibly good things to choose from and here is the tragedy -  asked to PICK JUST ONE?Arrrggghhh. This happens with clothes, with food, with cars, my graduate schools and what the hell, even my life partner!

This is a pattern. Or more like a creature of habit. I go on for days thinking and analyzing the pros and cons and end up quite unarguably with the most regrettable choice. Then I have to cherry pick all the things that might have gone wrong with the other choice. Sad justification. Like the time, I famously dumped an admit from Carnegie Mellon for TUM with this kind of super-intelligent analysis.

Now, am at this cross road again with an unimaginably important choice to make. The onus is entirely on me and it  only seems fair that way, now that am 25 and all. Again, I am given two incredibly picture-perfect options.

Yeah, I hear you. I sound like a whiny kid complaining about first world problems when there are people suffering from far worse things in life.

Ok, I will shut up.


PS: Am gonna take out all the high-security nonsense that I have tied to my blog. Being clandestine does not suit me at all. Not even a wee bit. One more reason why I cant become a KGB-spy equivalent.

Some big and small views

There are only 3 sure ways of making a difference in people’s lives.

1. Become a politician. If you are an indian politician, you can be rest assured that, you will definitely “affect” people’s lives. No dearth of scams. Really.

2. Become a film star.

3. Or some tech giant like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates.


You see, I don’t wanna become a politician cos you know, I cant really fit in there. Morality is a big problem. I can’t become a film star either, cos by default a female who aspires to be a film star should either have a hot bod or if you are voluptuous, must be willing to dance/act/sit in compromising positions with men. Basically fan the desires of the sexually-frustrated male audience.

I could do something very techy. I do have a couple of ideas. But am not sure if they are ground-breaking enough.

Hmmm…am 25 as of today. Which means, I have a quarter century’s worth of experiences on this planet. I am still (luckily) in a place (both spatial and temporal) where I can make mistakes and STILL go back on them. But I feel threatened after having hit the big 2 and 5. I am gonna be “maami-fied” in sometime. Oh com’on, like as if you don’t know that girls are instantly “maami-fied” once they get hitched. Only that, the modern versions sport jeans and tees, while still embracing their inner-maami’s and housewives. I don’t wanna settle for a routine-mundane-ordinary life. The usual get-married-to-a-brahmin-boy-have-brahmin-kids (hopefully boys)-and-die. It is just so boring.

To come to think of it, the whole routine of marriage is boring. If it is arranged marriage, life pretty much spells doom (atleast for me). I see all my friends and sisters go thro’ it. There is nothing different. None at all. They get married to a guy (mostly arranged), get pregnant and pop out a kid in record time and that’s it. From that point on, their lives revolve around the kid(s), their in-laws and of course making enough money to provide for the kid(s). I am just wondering, if there is something different in it for me? You know, something that doesn’t scream boredom? Like a carefree, blissful companionship. Of course with enough money, so we don’t have to worry about that part. Unfortunately, the happiness-money graph is undeniably linear. With ample freedom and time to make a wild road trip or with ample good attitude and willingness to volunteer time for the society. Like, am big on education. Teach for underprivileged kids or kids with special needs. I don’t want to end in a marriage that says, we-will-do-it-when-we-have-the-money-or-time. I am sure, in the arranged marriage way, my parents will find a super rich Stanford-educated guy (yes, they exist). But would I get all of the above? It will be such a huge trade off, if I don’t get those. I am a die hard romantic. I am a sucker for romance. I am planning on doing this only once. Hence, all these concerns.

That was the selfish small-picture.

Now to the bigger picture.

How significant is a human’s life in comparison to this vast universe? Very insignificant. None of what we do really matters, when we really realize our own insignificance. Then why waste time on petty things like religion, caste, colour, creed and the innumerous fights to establish superiority in the above categories?

From physics POV, it is easier to understand.  I have done a ton of calculations that gives you an actual number. But am not gonna bore you with math. It has some pretty ugly math. No, seriously.

Candid confessions

I officially hate all fat people. I dont care how shallow I sound. Yes, I do. I hate all the fat people in the morning train. Even if I cut slack to half of them, giving them the benefit of doubt that obesity was probably hereditary, that still leaves us with quite a sizable number of deliberate fatsos. Oh come on, it is not like we are in the purported land of opportunities which is ruled by the McD’s, KFC’s and 10L-coke-cans-in-on-gulp contests. It is India, for crying out loud. We take pride in our malnourishment and general lack of food thereof. Even if we were to go all scientific, we donot have a history of obesity. This means, most people are fat, simply because they ate too much : Shameless in my opinion. So you see, am not thaaaat tangential in my hatred.

Also, I hate fully pregnant ladies who board the train like nobody’s business. We are talking of 1-mile extended tummies here. They expect to magically find a seat. Morons like moi fall for this plot unfailingly. Someone HAS to give up their seat. I mean when thalaivar could give free auto rides to pregnant ladies, how hard is it to give your seat up in a train? Not very, really. But this should not be the reason (the noble souls i.e) for them to board such an over crowded train. They always look like they are gonna pop out any moment. Why would they take such a risk? It is beyond me!


PS : My interview was aired today. I hear it went quite well. I can’t wait to go back home a look at the recorded version. I am not even gonna try to be humble. Heck! It is not everyday you get interviewed on a primetime channel. I have become quite the celebrity. Yay!

PPS : I will post the link to the supposed interview, pretty soon :)



Auftritt mit Zauber

Ich habe den Titel aus ” Spiegel” gestohlen:D Diesen Titel gefaellt mir ganz gut!! Ich bin nicht bescahemnt.

Jeder Mensch hat eine andere Person in ihrem Leben, die sie lieben. Die Person würde  in ihrem Leben ohne einen Plan gekommen. Wie eine schöne Überraschung … wie Zauber. Ich erzaehle nicht ueber eine Freundin oder einen Freund. Vielleicht das auch. Es koennte irgendwelche Person sein. Wenn solche eine Person in deinem Leben kommt, macht es dich sehr glücklich. Das Glueckgefuehl hat keine Maßnahme!!

Ich habe keinen Zweck, um diesen Beitrag zu vervollständigen. Nichts Besonderes. Ich wollte nur schreiben, meine Gedanken. Du weißt schon … um meinen Kopf zu löschen. Es ist auch Wahr, mag ich diesen Titel.


The Argument

So, I was telling S about this new “Auto meter campaign” in Chennai, that I was trying to be a part of. You know, nothing big (yet), just some slogan writing and generally spreading awareness. I was all enthu about it. The moment he heard it, he was like, “it is not going to work.” Altho’ I hate to admit it and I can’t believe I am saying this on my blog, I knew he was right. But something ticked me off. And big time. Not ‘cos of the fact that he was all negative about it. I know am endlessly and unrealistically idealistic smothered a little too much with child-like enthusiasm about such things. Even tho’ I keep claiming, I am a very “Global” person, I get very emotional when Chennai gets attacked. No no, don’t get me wrong. I am known to be a very public chennai-basher. But I hate drawing flak from “outsiders”. I appreciate people, who donot put themselves into small boxes of cities, culture etc. Like, I know for a fact, S isn’t exactly “attached” to any place as such. Which is perhaps a very good thing, ‘cos it works for me. God knows, what would have happened if he weren’t like that. Given my extreme affection to Chennai, that would have been one sore point between us forever.

Anyway after a huge round of “you don’t know anything, ‘cos you don’t have brains” and “Your head is empty and mine is not” kind of arguments (no prizes for guessing, who used such lines),  I realized how easily someone can get on my nerves, especially when they attack something am particularly emotional about. But I do wish, I had defended better. You know, atleast to save my pride! It is just impossible to win an argument with S. He ALWAYS wins and I [(HATE)^∞] that. Yes, I do.


Ah! The title is as cliched as cliches can get. Except that, the cliche totally worked this time.

Everyone who knows me (well), knows about my “puma” addiction (not the animal, the brand. Duh!). I have been a Puma loyalist since high school. I am generally not a brand person. I can live off pondy bazaar’s fake-brand cheap knock-offs anyday. It works for me. Given my monkey-on-the-loose high standards of maintenance AND the fact that, I easily get bored with stuffs, these less expensive (wattay classy way of putting 5 for 10 formula) go perfectly well with my attitude. I use those fake-brand stuffs for a few months (the bestest quality will last for 3 months max) and throw them away. That way, I get to try out the latest trends and stay in vogue. To fan or fire desire – it depends on the mood. If I really like the thing, I purchase the real brand and have it for keepsake. Seriously, the Adidas tee shirt I purchased in the 11th std, still fits me and I still use it. Ha! (On second thoughts, it makes me sound like a cheapo, which am not, am not, am not!)

Despite these brilliant ideas, I NEVER buy fake brands for footwear. I am very very specific and touchy about it. I am even weary about Bata. After years of the time-tested trail-and-error method, I settled in for Puma. And boy! I was happy. I would happily sport my puma with all attires. I couldn’t care less if people thought it dint go well with my salwar. Infact, I was the first one to wear floaters with salwars in college. Altho’ I invited quite a few stares, I believe I set the trend. I was cool that way. I wore my military-green-and-black-cross-strapped puma floaters with everything – very urban jeans, chic skirts, sporty shorts or even very feminine salwars. So comfortable. I would just jump around.

After a good 3 years, I shifted to a neat-pink-and-Grey puma floaters. I wore it to my workplace. It was yet another one of my proud purchases. But sadly, somebody kannu-vechufied. After one of my trips to the Temple, I found my beauties missing. I was heart broken. I was spewing curses at the sandaalan for having nicked my floaters.

The following day, Appa, who knows too well about my abnormal footwear affections, promised to buy another one before I came back home from work. But alas! He got me an overtly-expensive nike floaters!!

They do look quite nice on my chubby feet. But still, it doesn’t feel the same. Vaguely uncomfortable. A feeling of having cheated on my Puma.





How daring or courageous should a person be, to get involved in a twisted situation or a twisted person? Or is it the person’s unfortunate luck…sorta wrong place at the wrong time?

Or should the person’s faith to take that kind of a leap into the unknown, be appreciated? Which party should stand to gain? The offender or the offended?

What is classified as twisted and what is not?

My prejudices/beliefs are taking over my better judgment today. Or is it a prejudice at all?

What does desperation make a person do?

Why would people be willing to get into something without 100% transparency/truth, for a lifetime? What happens, when the truth suddenly hits them?Should they go back or continue?

So, should the person, who did all those things, not have a reprieve at all?

Why am I bothering myself with such questions, when I know, my little brain cannot process such high funda thoughts. More confusing, cos I don’t know either of the parties involved, directly anyway. I know, it is not my business to make everyone morally right and straighten them up or make them not succumb to social pressures(horrible sentence-formation. I blame my tete-a-tete with German for that!). But my gut-feeling  says, there is some major framing involved.

Somebody, please shut the sloth in me. Also, asking the holier-than-thou mind to shut up, would be of great help. All I can do is, rant away to glory in my crappy blog and get it out of my mind(or can I?).

Ah…it is so hard to be me…probably only harder than being with me.

Life, universe and an intern (in that order)

Random update style post(cos I dont have anything better to write. My brain’s too full. Ha! Like you’d believe that. The brain’s-too-full part ie. If you have lingered long enough, it shouldn’t be hard to guess, the first part is more or less true. Also, this post has been lying in the drafts long enough. Thought it is time, it saw the light of the day)

There is so much to write, I don’t know where to begin the tale (this has become such a cliche. but let’s have it here as a starter sorta) . Life has been fairly good until now. Except the fact that S is still sitting far far away and the battle is still abreast with accusations like “how could you?” , “why did you?”, “dint you think of the consequences?” and some situations that are making the dream still farther apart, is not helping the cause! My household consists of big-picture people, that always sees waaaay into the future, that “right-now” sort of feels badly timed and pointless. From a very hardcore i-don’t-want-to-be-ordinary phase, I have been pushed into dont-give-this-shit-make-money phase. While the transition was quite painstaking, some valuable lessons have been internalized.

There is something really wrong with the universe. I feel like I am in a very harry-pottery situation. The one where the muggles are irritatingly ignorant of all the accidents/killings happening around them, when it is all ‘cos of Voldemort?! Could be true no? Or it could also be according to the theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened! Hmmm…something to think about.

There is an intern, who joined my hard(ly)working workforce a few weeks back. I have been majorly cribbing to the only person who’d listen to all my shit, about how, I am gonna be all mature/intelligent and make a preemptive strike by being all rude and distant to this guy. This was ofcourse, very logically, based on my intuitions (oh yes, we are still riding very high on self-worth and intuitions and what not) . That should have been my first clue. But we’ll let that pass for sanity sake. Also, my past being-nice-to-guys experiences have backfired with the guy proposing to me in record time. So, this time, I made sure I was being office-*****.But much to my dismay, this guy turned out to be really nice and sweet. He even offered me proper reference materials(from his uni) for my project. I wished, he had stopped with that. But he went on to even write sample codes for me. Predictably, I was majorly guilt-driven(for having judged him). So, I offered him my very prized fruitella, which I had saved for my train ride. Now, my sins have been officially washed off. Oh! I promptly sms-ed my maha generous act to S, who sent back a very quirky reply(as usual).

What would count as an out-of-the-world birthday gift? I am gonna get one, in it’s truest senses. I am writing it here lest the person might forget and also cos I cant keep a secret to save my life. I have been obsessing about the ingeniousness( and how incredibly romantic) of the idea, that if the person forgets it, I am gonna pick a major tiff…as is always the case between the blogger and the blogged.


Her heart skipped a beat again. It was that unmistakable smile again. Look away, look away. He is probably looking back at you. But Sanjana couldn’t stop looking in his direction. Her eyes just wouldn’t move. With all her might, she tore her sight away from him. But from the corner of her eye she knew, that smile still lay fixed in that face.

Sanjana did what she did every day for the past 5 months now – scan the office for that familiar bunch of hair sticking out from a horde of cubicles, as she entered her office. How she wished, she could garner the courage to say something…just something…anything, to him? But every time, she passed him(intentionally and non-intentionally) all she could muster was a feeble, awkward smile. They even shared adjacent cubicles. So near, yet so far.

But today was different. As Sanjana hurriedly entered the already crowded lift, there he stood, in the far corner. As the tumultuous crowd inside the lift doubled, she was innocently pushed back to the corner. Close… so indecently close. Longest 4 minutes ever. She knew, she had to do something about it.

“Hi”, she finally managed those words and admonished a blink-and-miss smile.

“Hi da”, he offered.

It was singularly the most comforting greeting she had heard thus far. It was as though they had known each other all this while.


…is beautiful:)


PS: Never happened. Fiction. Really.

PPS : As for the real Sanjanas whose hearts skipped a beat – All I can say is, this is purely coincidental. Yes, it is a small world :P





I think of myself as an awesome choreographer but a pathetic dancer. I am super inflexible when it comes to dancing. But am a great choreographer nonetheless. I have choreographed some pretty cool prabhu-deva-type moves to a melange of chart-topping numbers – from “Hips don’t lie” to downright authentic bharathanatyam-centric songs. Well, of course no one knows about this brilliant talent of mine(yet) as all of these happen in my head. Ok, now would be the time to punch me.

Say all you want, but the fact still remains- I am a choreographer(sans all snootiness) par excellence. I try to make up moves for songs I hear and everywhere – in the train, on the road, in the office. Today, as I passed thro’ the barricades to my office, the radio started dishing out some leg-tapping number. I was so enthused that, I quickly tried out a dance move. Altho’ I dint last more than 10 seconds, I got some real weird stares from the bystanders. I probably looked like a kitten having fits. But I do such things. Random jig or the time, I tried(in vain) to whistle a song all thro’ the bus ride, and ended up looking like someone having difficulty in breathing(true story). Like S pointed out, I probably hit my teenage phase only last year(while in reality, I am hitting the big 2 and 5 in a couple of months. Those who know me, take the hint).  Not just last year or the year before, I have always been this way. Not entirely proud of it tho’.